*PARENTHOOD UNCENSORED* (Adult Language Warning) Guest Blog Series - The Hilarious, Twisty, Turny, Craziness of Raising Littles

This is an exciting blog series we're launching as part of our regular blogs here on Mums & Tums Canada. We wanted to give a space that's uniquely our own, to air out all our dirty, amazing, yet still crazy and messed up daily lives, as parents of little humans we love fiercely, and helped bring into this even crazier world of ours. This is a space that is held for those moms who need a good laugh, a great moment of "OH THANK GOD I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!!" and maybe even some fuel for thought for their own journeys.

Each post in this series will feature a guest blogger who will rant their way into our virtual history books, and we couldn't be more excited to give them this platform to do it on! So get ready, cause this is an ADULT'S only blog, and we ask that everyone be aware that there will frequently be use of swearing and adult rated language, before they read much further. If you'd rather not read this type of blog post, then we have an ever-growing number of blog posts on our page that are much more suited to your desires. So be sure to check those out instead!


And now for our first guest blogger, the wonderfully expressive, Mandy Marie.


Mandy Marie
'Good morning all you fine parents. And to all you parents that have their children home today for a P.A day, as I do, god’s speed. I thought I’d share with you a remedy I never thought I needed to know. How to get homemade slime out of your pubes.

 

Yep...you heard that right.

 

Back story: This morning was glorious. My significant other was able to keep my little ...angels..(is that right?.. fuck no! But we will go with that) away from the door so I could take a glorious, uninterrupted piss.

 

Get this, I even managed a 2 minute shit! So I grabbed my shit tickets and cleaned up in lightning speed cause at this point I hear little feet coming down the hallway. Yep! A little knock. (I swear they sense that your sitting there in pure bliss.) So I’m off. Fast forward to my next pee. I pull my clam covers off and HOLY SWEET BABY JESUS!!! I felt like I had just been waxed. I can feel this stickiness. I thought to myself (and apparently out loud) “what in the good lord fuck is this?” I look down (and when I mean down I actually mean I gotta bend my neck at an angle even a gymnast couldn’t pull off....I’m chubby ok?) and.....there it is.

 

Little gel balls of blue and sparkles. My youngest, sweet and innocent and not an asshole in any way cleaned her slime off with the whole fucking roll of toilet paper. AND LEFT IT THERE FOR THE NEXT VICTIM!!! So I go grab some coconut oil, cause apparently that shit can cure a fucking village of any ailment, and used toilet paper that of course was hell free and wiped it up. What do you know, it worked!?! Just prop up that winter weather leg (yep I even skipped that) in “that” position. Everyone knows what “that” position is. And put that sweet golden shit on. Wait like 2 minutes cause your kids know you’re in there again and then be free. Be fucking free.'

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September 20, 2017